Life is like a game
Always fighting and watching our backs
who is real
who is fake
who is our friends
who is our enemies
And who is the spy
We shall never know
Until the game for us stop.

you know
I like being alone
But there are times i feel lonely
But i hate knowing people
because everyone gonna leave
And we would all be alone again
before the next one comes
And being alone
no one can ever hurts you
And that should be it

Victims

The victim of broken heart

The victim of being judge

We're all a victims

Of this world filled with lies 

Always watching our backs

And we could never rest.

She's the girl that's always wear a smile

She's polite, friendly and confident

Always getting the spotlight

Everyone thought she love clothes with long sleeves

As she wears it everyday

Little do they know

She wears it to hide her little secret

Her smile is fake

And everything else she does

She looks into the mirror

And notice every single flaws

She's been trying hard to leave this world

But it seems like they wouldn't take her 

So she gets up everyday

And thinking why is she awake

She secretly wish to be dead

As the light had died on her

She hates herself so much

You wouldn't even understand...

Everyday

Waking up in the morning
And hoping that I get sick
So I can just rest in bed for a day
And escape from this reality
I don't remember how I get from being impatience for leaving the house
To never wanting to leave my room
But I still get up
Walking out of the room
And thinking ...
Let's go...

To idols , from your international fan

 To ( KPOP ) Idols, From your international fan

If only we're not separated by the ocean

if only you could be right beside me listening to my heartbeat

listen to the rhythm of my heart

letting you know how much i love you 

i'm in love with a group of strangers

who is love by thousand of people

who i know almost everything about

but they would never know who am i 

I would never be there

watching their every concert

every comebacks

I don't speak your language

But the love of music make us close 

Music make me know who they are

 Waiting for your variety show to be subbed in the language that i know

is a torture yet an excitment

I would never be that lucky fan

I would never be there for your fan meet

or any of your fansign

Getting a photo from you seem like a impossible mission

let along an autograph

fan fiction dirty my mind

scenarios make me cry

sasaengs make me want to be there

protecting you from every danger

I know there's a day where you be love by that special girl

and you would never be mine

I promise when that days come

I would not say how much i love you

I know there's a day where i would be love by that special guy

I would keep my love for you a secret

forever in my heart

 I'm not the fan that you would see in every event

I'm the fan that would wish for your health

for you to be happy

 seeing you smile make my day

seeing you cry breaks my heart

My love for you is a happiness

yet... an overdose.

- END - 

( SEE WHAT I DID THERE ) 

如果我们没被海平线分割开

如果你能在我身边听我心跳

听我心里那说爱你的节奏

我爱上了一群陌生人

他们同时被上千人所爱着

他们的一切我都知道

可是他们却不知道我是谁

我没办法出席每个演唱会

或每个回归

我们的语言不通

但是对音乐的爱让我们感觉更接近

是因为音乐让我知道你们的存在

等你出席的戏和节目

有我知道的语言字幕

是一种折磨也是一种快乐

我永远也不可能是那位幸运的粉丝

也不可能出席你每一次的粉丝见面会, 专辑签唱/签名会

能和你合照是个想也不敢想的不可能任务

更用不着提签名了

粉丝们写的那些故事毁了我的单纯

那些"如果"也让我的眼泪忍不住的留了下来

私生饭让我好想在你身边保护你

我知道你终有一天会发现你心中那最美丽最特别的女人

你也不可能会属于我

我答应当那天来临的时候

我绝不说有多爱你

我也知道有一天我也会被那对我来说是最特别的男人所爱着

那时我会把那爱你的心情永远隐藏在心里

我不是你在每个活动上见到的那位

我是那天天为你的健康祈祷

你的微笑足以让我的阴天变晴

你流下眼泪时我的心会碎

我对你的喜爱是一种快乐

也是....一种无法自拔的上瘾

(完)

Mask

Everyone had a past they wouldn't wish to talk about, think about or let anyone make a joke out of.

And here come trust. Once you get someone to trust you enough, you would slowly see what kind of person he or she is under the mask. Which all of us called it, "protection".

But some people is either brainless/heartless or just some part of their brain is loose and they don't realize when someone say "okay stop it"/"enough" or when their smile turns into a frown they should shut the fuck up. This is when anything you're saying isn't funny anymore and it's getting really hurtful and offensive. Everyone had a awful past and if someone opens up to you when you ask them is when they thought you're trustable or they wish to somehow become closer to you, not to let you make a joke out of. Just because the person aren't crying doesn't means you're not hurting them. You never know how a "joke" can make someone actually kill themselves. Some joke you think is funny doesn't means it is to everyone.

And hence, it will make the person who is hurt even more impossible to open up to others and remove his/her mask. Everyone had a mask they're secretly wearing. I'm not talking about a mask we all could see with naked eyes, if you see someone going out in a mask is either they're going for a party/got dared by his/her friends to do it/ he's or she's a killer (if it's the third option please run for your life and don't stay there feeling amuse that you actually saw a killer which act like one you saw in the horror movies, but if you do that then you deserve it. Who tell you never run?) I'm talking about the mask which isn't able to see. A happy mask/angry mask/ emotionless mask etc.
I had past which I hope to erase it all, but I know it's impossible. Everyone makes mistake so don't expect someone to be perfect. It's impossible and it's too stressful. Imagine being someone who is perfect and how everyone around you says things like "I'm sure you can do it in your first try, you're the perfect one" "he/she wouldn't need any help, he/she is like the genius of all genius" "you got just 99/100?! Shouldn't you get 100 instead? What happened to you?!" "You're joking right? You don't know how to do this?" I'm sure sooner or later all these would drive you into depression and suicide.

Oh and I just want to say, to anyone I don't care who you are, it's really annoying to ship me with any guys and I know I should had a boyfriend at my age but really I don't care and I like being single. Everyone around me is literally trying to pair me up with every single guy they met or if a guy actually come talks to me I get ship with him. It's really annoying . If a girl or guy is force to get into a relationship with someone, their relationship would never have love and it would only have responsibilities and hates.  No relationship should be like that. I choose when I want to had a boyfriend and I choose the one i want to live the rest of my life with. Just because I reject a guy and I'm a fangirl doesn't naturally means I had high standards.  I mean yeah fangirls do have high standard but that doesn't means I would use it to choose who I want to date. Some part of my idols is really what I want my boyfriend to have but not all. And let me just show a part where my idols and my future  boyfriend would have in common , sporty.

No one likes being forced to do things, and everyone had a mask to protect themselves from the society. But at the same time it's ironic how we says how fucked up society is but we're the society. Judging others is the reason for how messed up this society had become. I had no idea how models became so skinny they look like they only had skin and bones , when does looks actually become more important then personalities, since when people make a joke out of someone horrible past, since when humans become judgemental and always had somethings to say no matter how nice a person is.

I'm getting tired easily recently but at the same time insomnia is killing me. And that's why here I am at 12 midnight writing this post which would most probably make someone feel offended but just a fact , I'm not pinpointing to anyone in my post, but if you insist and the shoe fits, feel free to wear it and walk around in it.

I really wish one day everyone would be able to remove their mask and not care about how people thinks about them. But wishing to become someone more prettier isn't a crime and I'm fine with it if you think becoming prettier make you more confidence in yourself. But if you're doing it to impress, who exactly are you trying to impress anyway? Your boy/girlfriend ? If they can't accept who you are then leave them. You deserve better. Your idol? Let me just say, what happen in fanfic/scenarios/smut and one shots stories stays there. It would never happens in reality. Your parents? They love you. Enough says.

Maybe in a few more years time I would get double eyelid surgery. I know how the surgery goes and I know it would be painful. but I truly thinks that I can feel more confidence in myself if I had double eyelid and I had always wanted to do the double eyelid surgery since the age of 14. Just look at how determines I am to want something for some many years and I had never changed any part of my face to do surgery on. I'm happy with how I look except for my eyes.

I got to go now, thanks for reading and take care!